You worked really hard to make your party a success and it was. So much so that your guests just won’t take the hint and leave. You’re tired, getting cranky and (dare I say it) almost partied out. Try these ways to get your guests to leave.
- Bring out an old slide projector and two really dusty crates, the dustier the better. Begin to set up a portable screen like the ones your parents watched filmstrips on in junior high school, and announce brightly: "Look what I found! Slides from our trip to Mall of America in 1984!"
- Dim the lights and pop in a "Wiggles" DVD.
- Ask which version of the Bach Mass in B Minor your guests prefer: the Otto Klemperer version and the Herbert von Karajan version. Insist that you will play both of them so they can make an informed choice.
- Using a loud whisper, ask one guest: "Would you terribly mind looking at Thurston's throat for me? I think he may have a tiny bit of strep…" Thurston should then start coughing.
- Ask them to "quick, get the stains out of the tablecloth" and hand them a stain stick, some Lestoil and a laundry brush while pointing to the basement.
- Grab a handful of flatware in one hand and a bunch of disgusting rags in the other and say: "OK, who will help me polish the silver so we can put it away?"
- Put on your coat and grab a bag of trash from the kitchen saying, "Who wants to help me run these bags over to the dumpster behind the supermarket so those darn skunks don't come back again?"
- Arrange with a co-conspirator to repeatedly flush the toilet and make disgusting noises in the nearest lavatory. Rush to your guests and ask: "Does anyone happen to have syrup of ipecac with them?"
- Take a service platter and place it on the floor for the dog. Make sure everyone notices. If people don't notice, ask one of the guests whether he's seen the puppy. Confide that the puppy is just like a member of the family when it comes to sopping up that last lick of gravy. Ask them to dislodge the wishbone from the dog's throat.
- Bring your foot soaker/massager into the living room and plug it in. Ask them to rub your feet and hand them the rubbing alcohol.
If they still don’t leave start charging rent!